Strengthen the ADHD-Affected Relationship
Many individuals are not aware of just how Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder symptoms affect their relationship. The non-ADHD partner may feel rebuffed, rejected, hurt or angry. This is why it is vital to learn how to manage your reactions so that you can improve your relationship and live a more rewarding life.
The following suggestions are designed to promote communication and intimacy in your ADHD-affected relationship. They may not all be appropriate for your particular situation as every coupling is unique but, if you are serious about improving your relationship with your ADHD-affected partner or spouse, these strategies may prove effective.
Create and maintain healthy boundaries. People with ADHD often have trouble recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others. Your partner’s distractibility may feel disrespectful, their forgetfulness may make you feel unimportant, and their impulsivity can sometimes be hurtful. The journey to healing your ADHD-affected relationship involves creating strong, healthy boundaries and learning how to defend them.
Begin by taking a personal inventory of your role in the relationship. Ask yourself:
“How do I like to be treated?”
“What will I allow, and not allow, to be said and done to me?”
“What are my priorities?”
“How have I tried to change the things that negatively impact my relationship?”
“Have those efforts worked?”
“Is there anything I could do differently?”
“What is my bottom line?”
After finishing your personal inventory, create a won’t do/will do list that will help replace dysfunctional ways of expressing your desires and needs. On a piece of paper, make three columns:
Problem. List all the ongoing relational patterns that are problematic. For example: “My partner frequently forgets something important and then blames me.”
What I Won’t Do Anymore. For example: “Respond defensively and then lecture them about how they messed up again.”
What I Will Do in the Future. For example: “Listen calmly. Empathize. Let them experience the consequences of their actions. Disengage and leave the room if their behavior continues.”
Continue this process for every problem you can identify.
Decide what’s real and what’s imagined. ADHD involves both a deficit in functioning as well as a unique way of thinking. The actuality is that a person with ADHD will require some helpful management in some areas of their life. You will most likely be called upon to carry more of the day-to-day responsibilities because you are probably better than your partner at organizing, planning and prioritizing. Examine each of your roles and responsibilities. Let go of the “shoulds” and “oughts.” If you are better than your partner at doing something — even if it defies traditional roles — then do it! However, the danger is taking on too much. Be careful.
Lower your expectations. You need to make your needs known. If you don’t, there is a lot at stake. Ask for it regardless of how many times you have made the same request. The worst thing you can do is to hold on to things that are not likely to happen. If you can learn this lesson now, you will save yourself a lot of aggravation in the future.
Own your choices. There is no sense in complaining if you knowingly take on things that overburden you. You made that decision. If it’s too much, find a way out or decline to participate the next time. Take responsibility for your actions and learn from your mistakes. If you find yourself constantly saying yes to more work and responsibilities, then it’s time to slow down and find ways to prioritize yourself.
Don’t forget self-care. Your mental and physical health should never come second to your partner or your relationship. Sit down, put your feet up, and have a cup of tea. Take a bath. Go for a run. Watch your favorite television show. Read a good book. Do whatever you can that is healthy and makes you feel good. You deserve it.